Size Five and No More Robots are about to release a game where, as the title makes clear, our planet has to die.
The write-up is so inventive that we kept the press release’s first-person narration as-is. From the desk of Valak Lizardtongue, Grand Shepherd of the Tyrythian Empire: This is complete and utter bullsh*t. Do those idiotic, moronic Terranoids think they can just roll in here and take over my beautiful Tyrythian kingdom? The kingdom that I built from scratch with my own two hands and only sort of inherited from my dear, sweet, deceased father? Did I mention that this is bullsh*t? Never mind, though. What they don’t realize is that I’m going to make them very dead. Along with my trusty sidekick, Milky, my childhood nursing bot – please don’t ask me about that – I will whiz over to Earth, turn it into a stinking pile of rubble, and be back home in time for a warm glass of milk before bed.
Earth Must Die is the story of my rise to power after my beloved father’s death, my accidental surrender to the Terranoids, and my revenge against Earth. Apparently, the story is retold in the form of one of those old point-and-click adventure games that people cared about in the 1990s. But in 2025. It doesn’t sound like a good idea to me, but what do I know? I’m just a benevolent and terrifying leader of worlds whom everyone loves and respects. I’m also not sure what “British comedy royalty” means, but I guess they got a bunch of “funny” idiots to dub over my glorious voyage to feed the Terranoids their own *ssholes.
I’ll just copy and paste the list here so I don’t give them any more time or effort than they deserve. Joel Fry as Valak, Lizardtongue; Martha Howe-Douglas as Milky; Alex Horne as Major Haskit, Bentik; Ben Starr as Krall, Danzan; Tamsin Greig as Rena, Blorr, Spiffy; Matthew Holness as Phelonius Skwid; Mike Wozniak as Willip, Jobson, Druce; Don Warrington as Quintarian; Stevie Martin as Skwidbot; Sophie Duker as Meebap; Emma Fryer as Parrach, Betsy; Alasdair Beckett-King as Oogles, Toilet, Vacuum, Village Elder; Rosie Holt as Chizz, Zarlaph, Karton; Jon Blyth as Fnaaaarglurp, Olkus; Julie Nolke as Grace Flufton; Sam O’Leary as Ian Gard, Ripper; Tom Lawrinson as Tree, Needle., and Sally Beaumont as Glushh and Big Snake. David Monteith plays Allus, Pfysus, Marvap, Altican, and Commandant. Inel Tomlinson plays Cecil, Zertan, Robert Droid, and the Skwid Guards. Theo Leslie plays Dinny.
How do I not have someone to do this for me? Anyway, apparently, my magnificent story is told over the course of many hours. You click, things happen, and, honestly, I don’t care about any of it. I’m just here for the glory. You’ll be able to experience my unbelievably cool story through something called Steam. Apparently, that’s how you access experiences like this in 2025. It sounds primitive, but I guess every civilization has to start somewhere. Valak signing off.
This shows that Earth Must Die is decidedly lighthearted, which is quite common in the point-and-click genre. The game has a new demo, which can be found on Steam. It will be released on January 27, but only on PC.
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