MOVIE REVIEW – This year marks the 30th anniversary of The Crow, the iconic 90s action film that tragically became synonymous with the untimely death of Brandon Lee. Naturally, a remake was almost inevitable to honor one of the most famous and unique films of the era. Bill Skarsgård seemed like an excellent choice to take on the role, given his pedigree and the impressive work he’s done in movies like It. But even before the movie hit theaters, the trailers suggested something was off. So, were the early critics right in their skepticism, or did this remake manage to prove them wrong?

Before diving into my review, I have to admit that I haven’t read the comics and barely remember the 1994 film, so I went into this with minimal preconceptions and only a vague understanding of the franchise.

A Dragging, Uninspired Exposition

What I recalled from the original, and what little I had read since, was that the story is essentially a tale of revenge. Eric Draven, the protagonist, is resurrected after being murdered alongside his girlfriend, and returns as an immortal, dark hero to take vengeance on those who wronged them. This new film sticks to the basic plot, so there’s no surprise there. Most people are familiar with this story, which is fine. The problem, however, lies in how agonizingly slow and mind-numbingly dull the exposition leading up to the tragedy is. I seriously considered walking out of the press screening, and that’s something I rarely contemplate.

What made the slow pace even worse was that we never got a proper introduction to the characters. The opening scene left us confused about why the horse suffered the way it did, why Draven’s mother was a drug addict, and whether this had anything to do with Draven’s childhood trauma involving his horse. Additionally, it was unclear what exactly happened to him afterward that led to his time in a psychiatric institution—another detail the film fails to explain.

The rest of the characters are introduced just as sloppily: Draven’s girlfriend Shelly Webster (played by FKA twigs), the main villain Vincent Roeg (Danny Huston), his various minions, and Eric and Shelly’s friends. We learn almost nothing of substance about any of them, yet the film drags out this nothingness for what feels like an eternity.

Crow 1.0 and Crow 2.0, Seriously?

Eventually, the tragedy strikes, and it turns out that Vincent Roeg and his crew are some sort of vampire-like demonic beings who sacrifice innocent lives to steal their souls and live forever.

It probably goes without saying that this is explained in the most slapdash way possible. The movie doesn’t clarify which specific demon or dark force Roeg and his crew have made a pact with—whether it’s the Devil, Beelzebub, Pazuzu, Mephistopheles, or some other malevolent entity. Even the lowest-budget Amazon Prime horror flick would typically take the time to establish such details.

As for why our hero becomes The Crow (and it’s worth noting that he’s not actually called that—there’s just a crow that follows him around, maybe even helps him, similar to the falcon in Assassin’s Creed), there is some explanation, but it’s so ridiculously absurd that it’s not even worth detailing. Suffice it to say, the transformation into an immortal superhero involves two “phases,” and our hero shifts from one to the other in the most forced and idiotic way imaginable.

Enter the Crowminator!

Once Draven becomes Crow 2.0, the long-awaited action scenes finally begin (after what feels like an eternity). These scenes are like a mix of John Wick and The Terminator, with a dash of Halloween-style slashing. Since our hero is immortal, it doesn’t matter how many bullets he takes or how many times he’s stabbed in the stomach, heart, or any other part of his body; he regenerates faster than Arnold Schwarzenegger in the Terminator movies.

From this point on, there’s zero tension about how he’ll be attacked. The audience is left chuckling, just waiting for his clueless enemies to realize that their efforts are futile—that they’re the ones who will end up facing increasingly gruesome deaths.

This seems like a good time to discuss the generally terrible acting, with the exception of Bill Skarsgård. I have no doubt that FKA twigs is a far better pop singer than she is an actress, or she would’ve starved long ago. Her performance is equally bad whether she’s supposed to be terrified, madly in love with Eric, completely stoned, or deeply moved by the events around her. Danny Huston as the demonic villain was even worse—I’d sooner believe he’s the CEO of Microsoft or Apple than a figure of terrifying demonic power.

The Worst Film of the Year?

At this point, I have to answer “yes” to that question, because this version of The Crow is even worse than the much-criticized Borderlands. Terrible storytelling, weak, poorly developed characters, bloody but utterly unexciting action scenes, and awful performances from everyone except the deserving Bill Skarsgård. I’d say this isn’t a Crow but more of a barnyard rooster on a trash heap…

-Herpai Gergely “BadSector”-